Where am I going?

Some may think I’m looking for attention or a ‘woe is me’ sort of deal… but if you really know me, then you will know that is not true. I’m coming to some realizations in my life and needed to get the words out there. If someone replies, great! If not, so what? I will feel better anyway.This will be the first time I’m really opening up to anyone. I normally would not share my thoughts with friends and family, but sometimes I just need to talk and vent.

So I’m nearing the 30 year mark and my future is still as of yet undetermined. Everytime I get an idea, a loud voice echoes through my head ‘you’re not good enough!’. It’s hard to make decisions with this not so little voice.

I earned my Associates in Education May 2012 and have yet to move onto my Bachelors because when I mentioned to the advisor that I couldn’t take night classes I got the brush off and the ‘look’. You know the one. The judgmental look, trying to figure out why I am bothering with classes, why I am a single mom. I don’t think they’ll ever figure it out really, and it’s none of their business either way.

When the woman looked at me that way I felt my world tilt sideways. I had been working so hard for the degree with the thought that I would be able to go onto my Bachelors… but instead, I find that wasn’t true and it felt like my dream was a waste. I almost gave up on my studies… but luckily found it in me to finish up.

As far as my future… I don’t know where to go. I originally wanted to be an Elementary School teacher and have been told many times that I would be good in such a position. But jobs in that field are sparse. Special Education positions are many, but the only place I could get a degree from in GA is an online degree program (the college is too far away). I’m not sure if I would be able to keep the ambition to do well with that option. I think I would become lazy.

Now I find myself craving a career where I can let my creative side flow. I’ve looked into web design at a local technical college, but still that voice echoes that I won’t succeed that I won’t be as good as anyone else going there.

Another idea is to be an art teacher. I would probably love to be a dance teacher- but I never took dance. I volunteer with Lil Bit’s dance studio, doing administrative and clerical work. I’m considering requesting dance lessons in exchange. This week alone I spent about twenty hours in the studio.

But again, am I good enough? Not yet. Will I ever be good enough? Part of me says ‘no’ and another says ‘you won’t know until you try’.¬†I’m a creative person… but I don’t excel in any areas. All it takes is a negative word and I step off the path.

What I do know is that whatever career I choose, it will be in some supportive role. I love helping others and teaching. I also have to find something that will allow me to express my creative side.

So the options I see thus far are:

Art Education B.S. (art, teaching, creativity)
Dance Teacher (currently no training, teaching, creativity)
Web Design (creativity)
Design and Media Production Technology A.S.

  • Computer Animation Specialization
  • Web Interface Design Specialization

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Well, that’s it about me today. I need to post some updates about Lil Bit.

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